A body in motion, remains in motion.

I am currently reading a book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. I am doing this to better understand the role of emotions in my choices, decisions, and basically every other aspect of my life.  I think anyone that knows me, knows that I allow myself to be guided my emotions which at times can be a blessing or a curse.  I, at this point, have decided to start looking at the role of emotions and how I can use them to my advantage in my life, in my career, my relationships and health.  I am taking what I have and flaunting it.  This could be considered a risk, but I am going to attempt to take this risk intelligently.  As I begin this research, it is being brought to my attention that sometimes I think I am feeling one emotion when really I am feeling something entirely different, I am calling my emotion anger, but really it is fear.  How can I know how to attend to each emotion if I am not even calling it by the right name?

In his book Goleman states,  “The very root of the word emotion is motere the Latin verb “to move” plus the prefix “e-“ to connote move away, suggesting that a tendency to act is implicit in every emotion.” 

So emotions mean change?  Are emotions always prompting me to change?  What about happiness?  When I feel happy should I be moving to change?  Maybe so… when I am happy instead of staying stagnant, feeling this emotion reminds me to continue to keep moving.  

I know me… this thought could easily cause anxiety… I can just hear my thoughts now, “oh no I am happy, what do I need to do to keep myself happy, hurry do something or else this great emotion will go away.”  That is not what I am trying to teach myself or imply to anyone else, what I am saying is when feeling happy, acknowledge the emotion, be grateful for it and remember that happiness comes with work… but it doesn’t have to continue to be work, but rather a lifestyle. Instead of  saying “ohp well now I am happy so I can stop working so hard to get here" say, “Nice, I am on the right path, I am going to keep DOING what I have been… I am going to keep moving.”

There is no destination in our paths for emotional health, but a journey that keeps evolving.  True, sometimes we get lost… but in these moments let’s say “ok now I am lost, time to start moving to find myself.”  Sometimes getting lost allows us to re-find ourselves, or reinvent our new selves, through movement. So keep moving and then once found… keep moving.   A body in motion remains in motion.

2 Posts in 1 day!!

Ok the title was bit deceiving because I did not write another blog post for today... but I am going to share an email that a friend sent me last night.  We were having one of those... deep, meaning of life, figuring out the opposite sex type of conversations.  Thanks for allowing me to post Andrew!  (Yes, I asked his permission)

"I walked with a friend, a Quaker, to the newsstand the other night, and he bought a paper, thanking the newsboy politely. The newsboy didn’t even acknowledge it.

“A sullen fellow, isn’t he?” I commented. “Oh, he’s that way every night,” shrugged my friend. “Then why do you continue to be so polite to him?” “Why not?” inquired my friend. “Why should I let him decide how I’m going to act?”

As I thought about this incident later, it occurred to me that the important word was “act.” My friend acts toward people; most of us react toward them. He has a sense of inner balance which is lacking in most of us; he knows who he is, what he stands for, how he should behave. He refuses to return incivility for incivility, because then he would no longer be in command of his own conduct.

Nobody is unhappier than the perpetual reactor. His center of emotional gravity is not rooted within himself, where it belongs, but in the world outside him. His temperature is always being raised or lowered by the social climate around him, and he is a mere creature at the mercy of these elements.

Praise gives him a feeling of euphoria, which is false, because it does not last and it does not come from self–approval. Criticism depresses him more than it should, because it confirms his own secretly shaken opinion of himself. Snubs hurt him, and the merest suspicion of unpopularity in any quarter rouses him to bitterness.

Serenity cannot be achieved until we become the masters of our own actions and attitudes. To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personalities, which is ultimately all we possess. 

The only true possession is self-possession."

Essence: A property or group of properties of something without which it would not exist or be what it is

What is your essence?  Have you ever wondered or ask someone how they would describe you?  How others perceive your place in this world?  How you perceive yourself in the world?  Do you know what you represent?

Well, maybe not, but if you do, do you ever feel like you are perceiving yourself as something completely different than what you really feel is the true essence of your very core? 

The author I am working for asked me to do some reconstruction on his website.  He asked me to read over the current text and play with it…  Freedom for me to write, yay!  However, as I finagled with the current text… I wasn’t feeling great about anything coming out on the paper, nothing sparked in my gut.  What was being said on the website was not the essence of what this company really was.  Yes, it told all the things they did, services they provided,  a perfect on paper resume.  However, there is something about stepping into this New York City loft they call The Paradox Process, something about the people, the atmosphere, the aura, the smell, the comfort … these intangible things, that tell a very different and compelling story.  

When I went to our meeting tonight I asked him… Thomas, tell me the essence of this company, what is your philosophy, what is it that you are passionate about with this process because this is what is going to make you unique, this is what is going to draw the perfect individuals to the process.

If you have a Facebook or a Twitter, it asked for a bio.  There are a number of people who write their interests, their hobbies, etc.  Then there are others who actually can define themselves in a way that is so powerful, you as the observer can feel the essence of what they perceive themselves to represent (ok so not all people are what they perceive themselves to be but you get my drift). 

This lead me to thinking about what my essence is, what do I want to represent to the world?  In marketing terms, how do I want to brand myself?  How am I going to distinguish and present myself?  I think this is something important to think about, something that can keep me in check on a daily basis. 

Instead of defining ourselves by a fixed definition, belief or stereotype, why not seize the opportunity to brand ourselves, create our personal essence and then embody and portray that in our lives?  We have the power to choose who we are, I personally am going to own that power and shout it out loud in everything I do. 

My personal essence in progress: 

Passionate believer in the interdependence of self-awareness, relationships, spirituality, nutrition and exercise in order to feel pure health and Santosha.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one” - Elbert Hubbard

I have always said that the best time for me to write is when I have a broken heart.  Although, this is not something I particularly like or welcome with open arms, it opens me up, usually.  This time seems to be different.  Yes, my heart is broken.  However, a friend pointed something out to me today that made me think.  Normally when I go through a break up, no matter how bad I am hurting, I stay optimistic and open to love, this time… I am angry, closed off and a bit pessimistic.  I have to be honest; I truly thought he was the one.  Yet here I lie on this overcast, lightening filled New York City night, alone, anxious and confused.  Confused at how I got here, how I allowed this to happen.  The things that I was working on the most in this relationship, confidence, pride, faith in myself, and determination, are the things I feel I am now most at a loss with.  My heart is beating hard; my pulse is at a high.  The dreary weather outside, matched with the uneasiness of the storm, is a mirror image of what is going on inside me.  My body feels gloomy, while my heart and pulse play the part of the roaring storm. 

The two of us were so happy in the relationship that we wanted to do everything we could to keep things perfect.  Unfortunately, in doing this, we ruined it.  If we had just allowed ourselves to relax, trust and live, we would have been all right.  We tried too hard to make the relationship stay perfect, when in fact; it was perfect because we didn’t have to try. 

I guess it takes experiencing working too hard, to see that what we were doing before worked effortlessly.  Yes, relationships take work at times, but it’s ok for it to happen naturally.  When you have two people who are used to having to work hard and make things happen, instead of valuing and taking advantage of what was great, we tried too hard to make it better.  We tried to overachieve our relationship.  Damn us overachievers.  From the start I said I was terrified of making a mistake, of doing anything to ruin what we had, my fears have surfaced.  When it comes to love, the ones that achieve success are the ones that allow the success.  When it comes to matters of the heart, accept success don’t push it away.

We must act out passion before we can feel it. ~ Sartre

I can’t believe the 4^th of July has already come and gone.  This summer seems to be jetting by, but not a second is being wasted.  Last weekend I finally moved into my apartment, which I am now never leaving, forget the dorm people I have officially moved on.  Although, I don’t think I was ever really “into the dorm” this breakup will be drama free my friends, I am D.O.N.E.  There will be things I will miss, Clarissa… ok thing, not things, that’s about it.  I wont miss showering in the water of whomever showers before me, or sleeping on a mattress that has springs that stab me, or having a floor that is never clean… nope I’ve moved on.  I am so grateful for my parents and the apartment I am in.  I love the neighborhood, I love the building, I LOVE EVERYTHING.

I went to my first Columbia gathering, which was pretty incredible.  Good people, good food, good wine.   This event far exceeded my expectations, but in retrospect, what did I expect?  I also have been spending time doing goal enabling workshops with some others in my internship group, this has been an incredible opportunity to lead these and has given me the platform to practice and implement some of the training I have spent the last year of my life learning.  It has only solidified that I love what I am studying and am excited to dedicate my life to motivating and inspiring others.

On the note of inspiration… I have a special someone in my life inspiring me to be a better person everyday.  I am seeing a shift in not only myself but on my outlook on life.  This special person and I met through a mutual great friend and pretty much hit it off from there… “You had me at hello,” cliché but pretty accurate.  I always had a vision for my “ideal” life and what it would look like, well friends, things seem to be looking pretty on track.  I am so grateful for the people I have in my life right now and this special someone is a key factor in that. 

About 6 months ago I wrote this…

“Have you ever lost love? It makes you a whole different person.  It makes you question your choices, what your doing, and what you know is right. You spend time building up all of these defenses and a life to keep you busy and then one day someone walks in and makes everything seem to fall into place.  That one person seems to be so different than any other person. Life seems to make so much sense, everything you have spent all your time doing seems to have been preparing you for this person to walk into your life. You actually feel like you weigh 100 pounds less, life is beautiful. And then one day you find out the other person may not feel the same, or the things you thought the two of you were together, weren't really what you were at all.  That feeling, that cutting feeling, goes to the core of your very being.  All of the sudden the 100 pounds off feel like 300 back on.  Your heart feels empty and hallow, your stomach is in knots, when you fall asleep you have dreams about the person, when you wake up you feel disoriented with the overwhelming feeling of being alone, your teammate is gone.  You spend your days picking back up the pieces or keeping busy trying to pre occupy your thoughts, your heart.  Sometimes the preoccupation works, until it catches up to you, grabs you by the shirt sits you down and hits you, and the tears fall.

All of this pain we has human beings go through, to experience the most amazing feeling around, love.  We can't loose sight of what love feels like, we can't settle for the fake feelings or the things that keep us preoccupied or numb.  Without feeling pain we can't experience happiness.  I love genuine, authentic, intoxicating love, and that is why I go through the pain.  Because one day I know, it will all be worth it and I will be a member of a Two man team that experiences love so deeply and passionately that I will be thankful for the pain, the pain that taught me to love, love.”

As many of you who read this know, I have gone through some pretty rough relationships, a lot of hard times, tears and emotions; however, all along I was able to press forward, with the help of many of you, and keep faith that is was all for a reason. I believe there are no accidents, I believe that all that I have felt in my life this far has prepared me to take on and experience life at a much greater magnitude.  Due to my past, my future is brighter.  I am grateful for all I have gone through, because I believe that those experiences have lead me to be where I am now, which is in such an incredible space with incredible people.  “One day I know, it will all be worth it… [I will] experience love so deeply and passionately that I will be thankful for the pain, the pain that taught me to love, love.”

"The law of love could be best understood and learned through little children" - Gandhi

 Well I know I said I was going to write about why I love New York, but tonight it is going to be a little different.  I just got a message from my sister which read:  “Savanna just said how excited she was to go to sleep because every night in her dreams she dreams that aunt Kelsi is here in Utah and that makes her happy because she gets to see aunt Kelsi.”  BREAK MY HEART!   This sweet little girl has been such a big part of my life the last couple of years and it is killing me to be away from her.  Sav and I have grown to be such “dudes” as I have taught her to call us.  Whenever we hang up the phone, when I call her, I say “I love you more than I love ice cream and …” Sav says, “That’s a lot!”  She then continues on to say “Kelsi, I love you more than chocolate cake and that’s a lot.”  Whenever I tell Sav that I miss her, I can tell that she genuinely misses me because she says “I miss you too Kelsi.”  Oh my goodness, what a sweet, genuine and loving little girl.  She has this way of making me feel like the most loved person in the world.  I know that one day I will get to be a mom, and I hope that I raise my kids half as well as my sisters have.  Savanna is such a sweet and caring little dude.  I am constantly reminded of how the simple things in life, just her telling me she loves and misses me, can make such a big impact.  Savanna’s love reminds me to never take anything for granted and how important it is to me to one day have little ones of my own.   Also I hope to be able to provide for my children like my parents have provided for me.  I am so grateful for my mom and dad and their love and support.  So… I LOVE NEW YORK, for the fact that this experience is truly humbling and reminds me to stay in gratitude for the relationships I have and my loved ones around me.  My heart beats faster just thinking about the people in my life right now and the role that each individual person plays.  I am overwhelmed with the love I receive and the capacity of love my heart allows me to feel for others.  I am so grateful to be able to love and express myself to others, and I am grateful to be trusted by those around me, enough for them to love and confide in me as well.  The power of communicating love, in my opinion, is one of the strongest and most rewarding aspects of life.  Thank you Savy for this lesson today.  For reminding me the power of expressing love to those… well you love.

Until next time

LOVE FROM ME TO YOU

Where there is great love, there are always miracles. Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is. Diane Ackerman

So I have decided I am going to start dedicating this blog to things I love about being in the City.  I plan on having a love affair with this city while I am here and I am going to write all about it.  I constantly find myself talking of my dreams and goals while walking the streets here.  These streets make me so happy, being able to experience new things everyday and really get to know the city, is such a journey and something new and maybe a little weird happens everyday.  Today we went, well the plan was, the mermaid parade on Coney Island; however, as interesting as the women with pasties were, the beach was much more enticing.  We hung out on the beach for awhile and then went to get some pizza in Brooklyn and walk the bridge back to the city.  Then I walked back the my apartment, A LOT OF FREAKING WALKING TODAY AND IT WAS BRILLIANT… BRILLIANT… the word I have decided must be a staple in my vocabulary.  One of the things I love about the city is the culture and the mix of people here.  I constantly here women, in there English accent, say the word brilliant.  Even though I wont sound quite as eloquent when I say it, due to not having the accent, I will still start exercising the use of the word and make sure to really articulate, especially the “T”, in order to make it sound as sophisticated as they do.

There are many brilliant things about New York, here is another reason I love New York City, I never, ever, take the same path to work.  I rely on the little guy who lights up when I am safe to walk, which ever one is lit up, that’s the direction I go, I like it and it makes for an exciting jont.  I love that I wake up not knowing what the day is going to bring, even though I may have work, I still don’t know how I will get there, who I will see, what I will eat for lunch or after work, what I will do that night, and really what I will think about and learn about as the day progresses.  I am so inspired by this city and the people in it.  I have some real top quality people in my life right now.  I am so grateful for those on this journey with me. I LOVE THIS CITY and I am going to declare that love to all of you through this blog.  So much love to express, and so much time to do it.

Until Next Time,

LOVE FROM ME TO YOU